I am a nurse over the years I have had patients in the last few hours of their life talk about how a loved one has come to meet them. The most memorable for me was a young man who in the night told me his dad had come to be with him. (The patient was medically fit and due to go home the next day.)There was no one there but he was having a conversation and laughing. He even had a three way conversation with Large Munsterlander T-Shirt. He was alert and orientated and very clear that his dad had come back . Being a typical nurse I did his observations,got the dr to assess him,did blood tests, everything was fine. At six that morning he walked to the bathroom had a heart attack and died although we tried hard to save him. The happiness he portrayed that evening was beautiful.
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The way you just described your grief can either make me speechless or make me write for days without stopping.. Let me just say that the only way to make you go on with Large Munsterlander T-Shirt when he was still alive.. No matter how hard it is.. So if you used to believe in heaven when he was around, keep believing in heaven.. You have to find some kind of a healthy way to acclimate to the emptiness of his absence.. I would recommend reading books as if there was no tomorrow..